i’m a pretty die-hard atheist.
so i don’t exactly believe
in God
or
any authoritative figure watching over us
or
…something like that.
but if you are up there,
or wherever you like to roam,
Mr. Authoritative Figure,
would you please listen to me
just for a few minutes?
i don’t know how people normally start these kinds of things,
but i guess i’ll just get straight to the point.
i need your help.
lately, things haven’t worked out
at all the way i’ve wanted them to
and
i honestly don’t know what to do.
to begin with,
i lost the one person
who meant the world to me
all because of the stupid decisions i made.
why couldn’t i have been smarter?
more rational?
why did i have to hurt him like that?
it’s too late now,
and there’s nothing left for me to do,
but what i lost,
meant the world to me,
and to this day,
there’s not a moment it doesn’t pain me.
i’ve made so many stupid mistakes,
thinking i’d amend for all the mistakes i made to him,
thinking i’d be able to move on this way,
thinking this is what he wants.
instead,
i ended up
just making more and more mistakes.
it’s shameful
the way i’d go around
just hooking up with people,
even sleeping with them,
and sometimes even going as far as dating them,
just to dump them days later,
all because i know
it’s really not them i want.
i can’t even be around my own friends.
no,
our mutual friends.
because it pains me to be with them.
i see him,
in the all the places we ever went together.
when i’m with them,
i can’t help but to miss him,
wishing he was here to hold my hand again.
they remind me too much of him
and
i feel like i can’t be genuinely happy with them around
because
all i can see are memories of him…
and
what if,
i hang out with our friends
and he’s there?
what do i do then?
…
so instead,
i go out
and do stupid shit
with people i barely like
or even know.
and so lately…
i feel like i’m losing my friends…
and i know it’s my fault.
but what do i do?
i want to be with them
without thoughts of him
haunting me.
but it almost seems impossible
for me to do that.
they mean so much to me
and i can’t bare to lose,
especially not now,
but right now,
i know i don’t belong.
i can’t be happy
and fun.
no, not now.
not until i can clear my head
from useless clutter.
but that’s not what i need help on,
Mr. Authoritative Figure,
that’s not what i need help on.
even though i have no idea how to get myself together,
i do know that :
1. i have to stop what i’m doing now
2. i need a lot of time
3. i will have to start treating my friends right
and lastly,
4. there is absolutely nothing i can do to make things right between me and him.
yup, i know.
but her.
this is where i need your help.
i need your help
to make things work out for her.
she’s done so much for me,
more than she will ever know.
and this one time,
finally,
she knows what she wants.
she finally found something
she wants so so badly.
Mr. Authoritative Figure,
you’ve granted so many of my wishes for me
and i’ve had my share of good times.
i think it’s time
she finally gets to know
how wonderful it feels
when wishes do come true.
so please,
please please
help me.
she deserves this more than anyone i know.
please let things go well for her.
let her be happy.
but this is the one thing i ask of you,
i don’t know why you should grant me this
since i know i’m not such a great human being,
and especially lately,
i haven’t been so nice and sweet,
but please just help her.
this is the first time in my life,
i really really wish you exist,
Mr. Authoritative Figure.
June 30, 2012 11:46pm
